Blemish Free.

Gosh, I am so broken. I am such a sinner. I don’t forgive or give grace very easily. I often choose who I love and how much love I will show them. I live selfishly. I’m more concerned about other’s approval of me rather than God’s glory. I can (and usually do) get angry quickly. I’m prideful. I think I’m better than other people. I get frustrated with bad drivers. I don’t trust God because I think I know best. I easily criticize others. Etc…

What amazes me is that even though God knows all of this, He chooses not to see it.

“For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.”

–Ephesians 1:4

He chooses to see me as blemish free. Perfect. Flawless.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

And this is not because of me, but because of Him. Because of the blood Jesus shed for me.

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.” –Ephesians 2:8

Grace. Mmmmhmmm. I’m so undeserving, but I am in desperate need of it.

Yet, I so often think I can hold up all the good I’ve done before God and say, “Look what I did. Doesn’t this make me worthy of your love?”

And He says, “No. It doesn’t. Not even all of your accomplishments are enough to cover all the sin you’ve committed. But my love is. My love is enough.”

I don’t really fully understand it. Many days, my heart doesn’t believe it.

But I know it’s truth. I know what God’s word says.

“This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” –1John 4:9-10

Jesus’ death and resurrection conquered my sin for me. And now I can choose to live out of a place of victory. Dang.

This is a truth so foundational to the Christian faith, but so easily forgotten by me.

I desire for my heart to be more captured by this eternal and unfailing love each day. My hope is that I would more consistently live out of this place of grace. So, here’s to stepping into this next season of life searching for (and finding) more of God’s heart for me.

"How was South Africa?"

I've been asked this question A LOT lately. Which is normal, you know, after being out of the country for eight weeks. And I'm so thankful that family, friends, and peers want to hear about my summer in South Africa. Really, I am. But, to be honest, I don't know how to answer that question. I don't know how to sum up two months worth of pain, joy, adventure, learning, love, and heartbreak in just a few minutes. I don't want to burden them with an overwhelming amount of stories, but I want them to understand.

So what comes out instead is a jumble of words and phrases that I glue together to make a somewhat coherent fragment. The English teacher inside me cringes. I want my answer to be a fluid string of eloquent and polished sentences. But it's not. And what comes out instead does not do this summer justice. Those words aren't enough.

Now, here I sit, trying to take what's in my heart and head, and put it on paper (or on a computer screen rather).

So, to be honest, a lot of times this summer was more hard than good.

It was hard to be woken up in the middle of the night to the cry of the baby who lived next door and shared a wall with our bedroom. Knowing that she was not getting the care she deserved, and was being looked after by her mother and her boyfriend who is a drug dealer.

It was hard to hear a second grader tell me she is abused by her brother and father.

It was hard to see students hit repeatedly by their teacher because they forgot a writing utensil or walked in a couple of minutes late to class.

It was hard to see teachers who did not believe each student has a purpose; that a student's test score "was not even worth reading out loud because it was so low."

It was hard to have everything that has been comfortable and familiar to me for 22 years be taken away so abruptly.

It was hard to see ten toddlers lined up against a cold, cement wall; just staring at me with no emotion. These children who should be giggling and talking and throwing balls and stealing toys from each other.

It was hard to see people roaming the streets because they were unemployed and decisions they had made in the past left them homeless and hungry.

It was hard to see kids frequently hit each other because that's normal there, because that's what they've seen at home.

It's hard to know that there is no safe house for women to go who are abused; that there are women getting abused every day by their husbands, but can't leave because he is the source of income and support for the family.

It's hard to know that the reason this coloured community exists is because of people of my race; that the reason this community faces vicious cycles such as abuse and fetal alcohol syndrome, is because of people of my race.

It was hard seeing the children at the holiday camp stuff their faces with the spaghetti in front of them because that was probably the only meal some of them were getting that day.

It was hard to see a township filled with tin shacks and then see mansions on the side of a mountain five minutes down the road. The contrast was so stark.

It was hard to hear the South African youth tell us their stories; pasts that were filled with fathers who were drug abusers and left their mothers for other women. Pasts that were full of hurt and brokenness, and unresolved emotions that still surfaced from time to time.

It was hard to have my diet consist of mainly coffee, sugar, bread, different kinds of starches, various (and sometimes questionable) types of meat, and peanut butter. My body took a hit.

It was hard to feel restricted about where we could go and how late we could be out without being escorted by someone from the community, for fear of the danger that lurked outside our doorstep.

My heart hurts thinking about these moments. God broke my heart for His people on a level I had never felt before; seeing the wounds of this world in a new and painful way. While I still don't understand all of it, I am reminded that because of the fall of man, we live in a broken world. There are those living on this earth who are hungry, homeless, unclothed, sick, abused, and unloved. And this is not limited to the South African culture. It's here in America too. I get that. But it still hurts. And my heart still aches thinking about it.

The Lord has been so faithful though in reminding me His word never says that living in this world would be easy. Instead, He actually warns us that we will have trouble in this world (John 16:33). But, thankfully, He also comes with a promise. A promise to restore the brokenness, to heal the hurt, and redeem the lost. To walk right beside us on this journey of pain. And that through His power He can bring joy out of pain, light out of darkness, and life out of death.

So while there was heartache, pain, and brokenness, there was also joy.

There was joy in hearing Auntie Alice's laugh, a woman of such pure faith who so obediently and faithfully served the Lord every day.

There was joy in knowing that I am not filled on bread alone, but by the word of God.

There was joy in seeing the depth and width of God's creation; in watching sunsets and sunrises, while climbing mountains, while running to the beach, and in walking through botanical gardens.

There was joy in the worship services on Sunday mornings. With only 20 plastic lawn chairs, three tambourines, and a multitude of voices in unison praising the Lord, I have never felt the Holy Spirit's presence more than during those times.

There was joy knowing that South Africa is where God wanted me this summer, and the peace that came with living in the midst of His will.

There was joy in sharing our sandwiches with a child who was wandering the streets and seeing the look on their face when they realized they were getting extra food that day.

There was joy hearing students share their future dreams with their classmates for the first time and seeing their teacher's eyes opened a bit to the purpose they each have.

There was joy when I would nearly be knocked over from the onslaught of hugs from a group of little ones; their arms too small to reach all the way around my waist.

There was joy living in community with brothers and sisters from the body of Christ.

There was joy living in a ministry-minded household, a home that was always full of noise, life, love, and really good desserts.

There was joy in experiencing the generosity of the people in the Ocean View community. That even though they have just enough to support their family, they still gave away whatever they had to others. They understand that there are others who are suffering worse than they are.

There was joy in being baptized; being born again of the water and stepping into an even deeper intimacy with my Lord and Savior.

There was joy in hearing the song "Flowers" by Bruno Mars played five times a day during Holiday Camp; a song that reminds me of the resilience of the children in the Ocean View community.

There IS joy in the fact that the same God who was with me in South Africa, is here with me in Kansas. That the same God who led me through broken glass this summer, is the same One who is still holding my hand and walking with me on this journey. One day at a time.

So as I seek Him to remember and understand these experiences, I ask for your grace. That when I have moments of culture shock, like breaking down in the watch section at Kohl's because I'm so overwhelmed by the prices and amount of choices, that you would be patient with me. Or when you can tell that I'm not fully emotionally and mentally present, because my heart is still 8,000 miles away, that you would give me grace. Time to heal. And space to process.

I don't know that after writing all of this I understand it anymore than when I started typing. But I think I have somewhat of a more coherent answer to the question you all have been asking. And while it's not a set of polished sentences with perfect syntax and lots of descriptors, it's truth. It's the Gospel.

"South Africa was hard, but the Lord brought joy through it all."

Week 7 and 8 Update!

I’m writing this post as I sit in my home in Kansas, even though my heart and mind are still 8,000+ miles away in South Africa. While I am grateful for our safe return to American soil, it’s a strange feeling being back in this culture. Yes, it’s nice to have everything be familiar and “easy” again. I’m thankful for the little things – for having a dry towel after I’m done showering (showering…not bathing), for having fruits and veggies at every meal, for being able to go on a run by myself. But even though life is easier now, these things that I used to find comfort in no longer bring me fulfillment. God has taught me so much this summer about how true fulfillment comes only from Him.

What we did our last two weeks:

·      Helped our host mother. On top of being a mother to five of her own children, five Americans, and running a Creche for 60+ every week, she also loves to cook. But not for herself, it’s always for other people. Every night she’ll make extra food, as friends, family, and community members will drop by for a warm meal. The last two weeks we were there she had three big events that she had to cook for. She has dreams of one day starting her own catering service, as well as a safe house for children in Oceanview…but that’s a whole other story. Unfortunately, Auntie Alice’s sister died a couple weeks before we left. Auntie offered to have the funeral lunch in the Creche at our house. That meant 70+ family members (Alice is one of eight) coming through for lunch in a couple hour period. Also, Alice cooked all of the food for the event. The guys, Kait, and I stayed home from service and ministry that day to lend a helping hand. It was great to be able to bless their family so much after they have blessed us beyond measure the past two months. But it was also very interesting because they used styrofoam containers to serve the food. Part way through the lunch they ran out, and they just had us clean the used ones to reuse for the coming guests. One thing that I admire about South Africans is that they make do with what they have…and that’s exactly what they did that day. While not completely sanitary by our standards, it got the job done. The last two weeks we were there, Auntie Alice also made food for two 21^st birthday parties (one for our teammate, Stephanie). Kait and I got to help at the party for their family friend (turning 21 is a big deal in their culture) and see even more how much of a servant Auntie Alice is to this community.

·      Finished up with holiday club. We had our last week of holiday club the second to last week we were there. On the last day we just had a large party where the kids got to bring sweets and treats to share with the others in their group. The leaders put out all of the food on the table for each of the separate age groups and then the kids sat there with the food in front of them for over an hour before they were allowed to start digging in. I have never seen children with more self-control than these kids. It was cool to see how proud they felt that they could simply bring a packet of candy to share with their friends. It was a privilege for them to have enough to share with others (South Africans LOVE to share food and I LOVE to eat, so it was perfect). Additionally, something I had been struck by a few weeks ago was how self-sufficient the children are in Oceanview. Kids as young as six-years-old got themselves to Holiday Club on time (they would usually play out in the yard for an hour beforehand though), brought their bucket and spoon for lunch, and then found their way home afterward. I never saw parents dropping children off or picking them up. I’m not trying to say that they aren’t involved (they were probably working since club was from 10 a.m. – 2 p.m.), but instead trying to point out how independent and self-sufficient the children are in Oceanview. I was watching the local, nightly news earlier this week and one of the top stories was about a father who was arrested after his two-year-old was found wandering the streets. It came as a culture shock to me that this was such a big deal, when it is completely normal in Oceanview.  One of my favorite parts of this summer was walking through the streets of Oceanview, seeing all the children playing out in the streets (without parent supervision), and having them run up to give us hugs even if they didn’t know us. The difference between cultures is just very stark and apparent.

·      Returned to Marine Primary. Kait and I returned to Marine Primary for our last week since school was back in session. I was back in the Grade 7 classroom, where I got to get to know some of the students even better and teach some impromptu math lessons. On our last day there (Thursday, July 18) the school was celebrating Nelson Mandela’s birthday with an assembly and 67 minutes of service (for the 67 years Mandela devoted to making South Africa a better place). Marine collected loaves of bread and handed them out to those in need, as well as sent their environmental club out to do work in the community. It was neat to be a part of that day and sing happy birthday to Mandela in South Africa! Overall, the experience at Marine was a positive one, and I am so grateful for how the staff and students welcomed us with open arms!

·      Started a prank war with our host brothers. It began with stolen mattresses, involved a hidden iPod alarm in our room that went off at 5:30 a.m., and ended with fake protein powder. I don’t know that a winner was actually declared, but I like to think that Kait and I reign victorious. Beyond the fun and games though, I am so grateful to God that our paths crossed with theirs. These guys taught me so much more about the value of community (Matthew 18:20 and Hebrews 10:24-25) and what it means to have a Kingdom mindset (Matthew 6:33). It was incredible how close we were able to become in three short weeks simply because we are a part of the body of Christ together. They all head back to their loved ones in the States early this week after a year of working to make disciples of all nations (Matthew 28:19). Please join me in praying for their safe return and transition back to life in the States!

What I’m learning:

·      What it means to be hospitable. “But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord” (Joshua 24:15). I am so thankful that the Marshalls choose to serve the Lord and choose to do so by using their house as a ministry. They serve whoever walks through their front door…whether it was in love or food (or both), they would serve them. What I was most struck by though is how they had one room in their home that was utilized to serve in so many different ways. Their garage was used as a Creche to show God’s love to children during the weekdays, as a church on Sundays to worship God, as a gathering place for communities to come be in fellowship together, and as a kitchen when Alice needed to cook food to serve large amounts of people. This family just never stops serving. And these acts of love have been so convicting for me as to how God wants me to use my home this next year as a ministry. I can’t wait to see how He works through my roommates and me to produce great fruits!

My return to the States was the start of a long journey of processing and making sense of everything I witnessed and experienced. I’ve repeatedly asked myself, “How will my life look different now? How will these experiences propel me to action?” And, to be honest, I’m still searching for answers and probably will be for some time.

But in the midst of it all my heart is so grateful to all of those who have supported, encouraged, and prayed for me throughout this journey. I have felt the warmth of your love. So thank you, thank you, thank you…this experience would not have been possible without all of you.

I’m still working on getting an album of my entire adventure up on Facebook. Unfortunately though, my memory card that has five weeks worth of photos on it (convenient, right?) has an error on it and won’t upload any of my photos to my computer. But my sister, the tech wizard of the family, is working arduously to get the photos and videos off the card. So, hopefully, I will have something to share soon. If not, thank goodness I traveled with seven other people who have pretty much the same photos!

 Some of the girls from the grade 7 class - full of spunk, love, and big dreams!

 More of the grade 7 class - they were loud and boisterous, but lots of fun!

 It was a blessing to get to know Dominique (one of the Creche teachers) as we played with the little ones throughout the summer.

 The family at our closing banquet our last week.

 The whole group with our contact, Chantel. Check out her organization's website here: http://www.volunteermzansiafrika.com/

 She was so much more than our contact...she was a mentor, a friend, a cultural guide, and an inspiration to us all.

 Beautiful, sweet souls that I never want to forget.

 Our last youth night on the Friday before we left with the youth leaders we have grown so close with this summer.

 Saturday morning we hiked with our host brothers and some of their teammates to see the sun rise over the mountains. It was incredible.

Kait, Travis, and Clark: the human playgrounds of Oceanview.

 Sweet Angela.

 Thankful to the people of Oceanview for their open hearts and open arms.

 Saturday night our team walked to the Atlantic Ocean to see the sunset.

  I got to see the sunrise and the sunset in the same day...check it off the bucket list!

 Out to dinner as a whole family on our last night together!

Healed Wounds

This blog post is a bit different. It's vulnerable and a bit uncomfortable to share. But I want you all to know the power that God has through our weaknesses and imperfections. It's been on my heart since Monday and I want to share this moment of grace and joy with you all.

These past few weeks we've been working at a holiday camp that is coordinated by Open Door, which is the safe house for children who have either been abused or seen abuse. Our team has been paired up with South African youth to lead the different age groups of the camp. Each morning before camp starts we have a leader meeting that is focused on personal growth. During these times, our team has heard the stories of these youth's past; stories of abuse, neglect, parents who have left them, death of family members, depression, and other unimaginable obstacles that they've had to overcome.


Additionally, we've had three new host brothers added to our host home recently. They are a part of the World Race, which is an organization that sends a squad of 60+ missionaries around the world to do ministry in 11 countries in 11 months. Their squad is split up into smaller teams, so we've gotten to know their team of eight better throughout the past couple of weeks. Many of them talk about how much of this year has been about learning about insecurities they still struggled with and had not let God heal yet.

This got me thinking. What insecurities have I not yet brought before God? What sin am I still entangled in that I have yet to be freed from? No, I don't have the past stories that the youth leaders have, but I'm still weak. I'm broken. And I have wounds that need to be healed.

One of these insecurities I have faced (no pun intended) for the past 10+ years has been my face. Although God has blessed me with a lot, He did not give me a clear face. It's been a constant battle throughout the awkward middle school years and during college to have a clear face. I've tried various creams, prescription medication, and specific face washes, but nothing has worked. It's left me extremely self-conscious and embarrassed around other people. Are they looking at my face? Do they think it's gross that my face is really broken out?

My anxiety and self-consciousness made me turn to make-up, in hopes that I could meet the world's standard of "beautiful" despite my imperfections. Yes, make-up helped cover it up and it gave me a temporary sense of confidence. It wasn't until this past week though that I realized how much I relied on make-up to make me feel good about myself; to seek people's approval of my appearance.

So I took all this to God on Sunday night. I was tired of searching for satisfaction and fulfillment in make-up, instead of finding my confidence in Him. In an attempt to surrender this to Him, to commit myself to feeling beautiful because of who He made me and not what I look like, I pledged to not wear make-up for the remaining two weeks I'm in South Africa.

I thought it was a really great idea until I woke up Monday morning and felt disgusting. I was physically tired from the weekend, the noise level in the house at 7 a.m. was really irritating me, I felt gross since it was the third day since I took a bath (don't worry, I bathed that night), and the last thing I wanted to do was not wear make-up that day. I was anxious about what people would say and didn't feel like I wanted to field all the stares all day. I was at the end of my rope.

I asked God that He would be my strength that day, even when I felt too empty and too weak to surrender that to Him. I prayed that His grace would be sufficient, that is power would be made perfect through my weaknesses (see 2Corinthians 12:9-10). Even though I prayed these things, I left for holiday camp that morning thinking it was going to be a disaster of a day. I couldn't comprehend how He would make joy out of my wounds (literally).

I talked through this a bit with Kait (my roommate) while we were walking to holiday camp and came to somewhat of a point of gratitude. I ask God for a lot, but there were two things in particular that I had prayed about for this summer on my plane ride over: that God would reveal my weaknesses to me and that He would call me to do radical things. You ask and you shall receive, huh?! So I walked through the gates of the Methodist Church where the camp is held at, just repeating to myself, "Your grace is sufficient. Your grace is sufficient."

I immediately saw some girls from my 11- and 12-year-old group and went up to them, attempting to love them well even when I didn't feel like it. I asked them how their weekend was and instead of answering me, they responded with, "What's wrong with your face? What are all of those red marks?" My heart sank. I tried to respond in a brave way that they were just wounds that needed healing, but they were still perplexed. I stood there trying to give myself a pep talk when one of the youth leaders ran up to me, pointed at my face, said "Zit", and ran away. Salt in the wound.

At this point, I was on the verge of tears. My biggest fear was coming true: that people would notice how gross my face looked and they would judge me because of it. I simply wanted to run behind the church building, cry, and throw myself a pity party. But God told me I needed to keep going. That running away would not solve anything and that He would be my strength. So I walked away from the children whose words were piercing my heart. Even though I was hurting, I wanted to choose joy. I wanted to choose love. And I wanted to choose Jesus. At that moment, I turned around to see Angela.

Angela and I have been co-leading the 11- and 12-year-old group these past couple of weeks. When we first met, we instantly connected on our love of books. I told her about the book, "Kisses from Katie", that I was currently reading. It's a true story about a young woman who has been called by God to move to Uganda, start her own non-profit organization, and adopt 13 orphaned children. Much of the text talks about how God will use ordinary people to do incredible things; that He will use us if we are willing. Angela was intrigued, so I gave it to her on Friday to read.

When I turned around and saw her, I was instantly comforted. She has a beautiful smile and is always a joy to talk to. I started asking her about her weekend and how she was liking the book. She said she was really enjoying the book, and then she spoke the words that were a gift from God: "I want to start a relationship with God again. I've tried before and failed. I want to start praying and going to church again." I asked her to repeat herself, because I didn't think that I had heard her right. But I did.

And in that moment, when I felt so low and empty, so embarrassed and disgusting, God used me. I opened my mouth to respond to Angela and out came the gospel, out came words of truth...that God will meet us right where we are, He wants us in our brokenness. That's why Christ died on the cross...so that we don't have to be in bondage to our wounds anymore. If we are willing to let Him, He will heal us (Isaiah 53:5). As I was speaking, my mind was saying, "Where are these words coming from? I feel so empty. I don't have anything to say." But I know that it was the Spirit speaking.

This moment was such a sweet, gentle reminder that I am broken and in need of a Savoir. Every. Single. Day. That I am not strong enough, but He is. That I am flawed, but He is perfect. That I am wounded, but He is a redeemer, a healer, and a restorer.

I know that God was saying, "Carolyn, I don't care what your face looks like. Stop making your appearance an idol. Stop making other people's approval of your appearance an idol. While other people are looking at your outward appearance, I want to know your heart (see 1Samuel 16:7). You no longer have to be defined by your appearance, because Christ has already suffered for you. Choose me and I will use you to bring others closer to me. Through you I will show people the joy and freedom they can have in me." How grateful I am for that truth.

I'm still not perfect and I've still continued to struggle throughout this week to feel confident without wearing make-up. But I know that God is bigger than this. And I know that He will use me if I'm willing to choose joy in the face of a trial; choose to love despite hurtful words; and choose Him even when I feel like I'm drowning in my wounds. Praise be to God!

Week 6 Update

This past week has been incredible and heartbreaking all at the same time. Last Friday our team and our contact here, Chantel, went on a three day garden route tour up the southeastern coastline. The part of South Africa we saw over the weekend is known more as the Eastern Cape, which is a more rural and impoverished area of the country. It was very mountainous and I felt like I was in Colorado for the weekend...it was great! This week we have continued to work at the Holiday Club and my heart has continued to break for these youth leaders.

What we've done:

• Bungee jumped off the tallest bungee bridge in the world. Our garden tour this past weekend was packed full of adventure and team bonding. On Friday we started with a safari tour on a game reserve. We got to be ten yards away from rhinos, elephants, lions, and wildebeests. On Saturday, we started at the Elephant Sanctuary, where we got to walk, touch, and ride the elephants. They are one of my favorite animals, so it was great to be up close and personal with them! Then, we traveled on to the highest bungee bridge in the world. All nine of us jumped, and all nine of us survived. Praise the Lord! This weekend was also a great time for all of us to grow closer as a team...there's just something about dropping three football fields in six seconds that brings a group together!
• Continued to help at the Holiday Club. This week at the Holiday Club has been even better. My group of 11- and 12-year-olds has become more consistent this week, so it's been easier to build stronger connections with them. And, not to brag, but we are currently in first place point wise in the competition against the other teams... But my favorite part of the holiday camp though has been getting to know all of the youth leaders better. We always have a leader meeting to start the day, which is focused more on personal and leadership development. This is where many of the youth have shared their stories and opened up about their pasts to us. My heart has continued to break as they disclose details of neglect, abuse, depression, and parents who have left them. 
• Gained three new host brothers. Last Thursday night three American male missionaries arrived at our home for the month. They are participants of World Race, which is an organization that sends teams of about 60 to 11 countries in 11 months for missionary work. The participants are also seeking whether long-term missions is something they are interested in and where they feel the Lord is calling them to spread His name. Unfortunately, one of them is from Baylor. But every time that football game in November comes up in conversation, Kait and I are quick to mention the three Big 12 championship trophies that are sitting on our shelf. But it's been great to get to know our new host brothers and hear their stories over dinner every night. It seems that every conversation with them starts with, "So, when we were eating fried tarantulas in Cambodia..." or "That would time I dropped kicked a monkey in Kenya..." They have some pretty incredible stories and it's been cool to see how the Lord has moved throughout their travels. What's even more incredible is our host mother, who is now housing five host children, four children of her own, and running a Creche of about 80 children EVERY DAY. She also continues to cook incredible meals for us every night and cooks extra food because she knows that people will just come into her home randomly every night looking for a warm meal. Her generosity is overwhelming and it's been a blessing to see how she continues to serve the Lord through serving all of us. 

What I've been learning:

• People here LOVE to dance. There is a dance party every day at holiday club. We dance when we get there early to set up with the youth leaders, we dance during the day with the kids, and we dance after we're done with lunch and we're cleaning up at the end of the day. The youth here are really good at dancing, and I love seeing the joy and freedom they have when the music is playing. These youth have been through so much and this is a way for them to forget about all of the hurt and brokenness they've had in their short lives, and simply enjoy life. This morning I was just standing near one of the youth as she was dancing and she said to me, "This is South Africa. You MUST dance." You know, I don't hate it. And for all of you out there who know "The Chopper" (a Gatewood original), you'll be pleased to hear that I've spread it to South Africa. All of the kids (there is about 60 of them) at the camp now know it and they incorporated it into a choreographed dance they did for us when they heard it was our Independence Day in the States. 
• He heals all wounds and brokenness. As I've been learning the stories of these youth and working through how to comprehend what I've heard, I've been reminded of Psalm 147: 3, 5 - "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit." This week I've also been reading the story of Joseph in Genesis. Through it God has shown me how He uses those who have broken pasts. He can help them forget their wounds and will create fruit out of their suffering. This has been convicting for me to think about whether or not I've brought all of my brokenness before Him. No, I don't have stories from my past that are as painful as the ones they've shared, but I am still broken. I am still a sinner. I have still fallen short of the glory of God. But He can heal our hurts, our wounds, our pains. That's what He did for us on the cross - His grace covers our imperfections, so that we can find a greater hope in Him. Please join my in praying for these youth. Pray that they find their hope in the Lord, that they would be reminded daily how much He loves them and how His grace can cover all of their wounds. Our team gets the opportunity to spend all day with them tomorrow, just hanging out and spending time getting to know them better. Please pray for this time we will have with them!

At the start of our African safari!

Wildebeests...or "Ville-da-beests" as our South African guide said.

There's really no feeling like having elephant breath and snot on your hand. It's quite special, really.

Great time riding the elephant with Chantel, our contact in South Africa.

 This is the bridge we jumped off of. The place where we jumped is right under the street, in the center.

The whole group who bungee jumped.

It's kind of terrifying to look down and see that the only thing that will be holding you on your jump is a rope attached to your feet.

Completely terrifying, and completely incredible.

Saturday night our tour guide for the weekend took us to this neat place to watch the sun set over the Indian Ocean.

Both Friday and Saturday night we enjoyed dinner by the fire pit at our hostel on the garden route tour.

We took the kids from Holiday Club to the beach on Tuesday. The kids were tasked with building the tallest sand castle they could in 15 minutes. It was great to see how simple the activity was, yet how much fun they had.

Here are the "Red Bulls" (the team I've been working with) with their finished sand castle!

The coordinator for the program let the kids have free time and play in the water if they wanted to. I thought she was a tad crazy, and the whole day was just organized chaos, but it worked. So we watched as 60+ kids descended into the ocean and ran away once the waves came to close. They were having the times of their lives and it was such a joy to watch.

We've continued to help at tutoring this week and work on creating more worksheets for the kids. I've been working with Amber (the one on the far left) this week - she's gotten so much better at subtraction! It's been really cool to see her increase her self-confidence with every correct problem.

Happy fourth of July to you all back in the States! This morning the kids at the holiday club learned that it was our Independence Day and they performed the South African anthem (because they didn't know ours obviously) and choreographed a dance for us. It was great! We're headed back for dinner at our host homes soon and then we are having a fourth of July party in our host homes' garage with our team and our host brothers' team. We're going to wear red, white, and blue and enjoy some Coca-Cola floats and ice cream sundaes! Hope you all are enjoying your holiday!

Week 5 Update

In some ways, I'm comfortable here. I've gotten into somewhat of a routine (which is something I'm always searching for) and the culture shock has slowed a bit. But in a lot of ways, I'm still overwhelmed at the end of each day. Overwhelmed by everything I've witnessed and felt: heartache for the children who have seen abuse, sorrow for the brokenness of this community, joy when I hear my host mother's laugh, and gratitude for being blessed with this experience.

What we've done:

• Survived grade 2. Kaitlyn and I had our last day with the second graders on Friday, because that was their final day of term 2. As I reflect on last week, I think about how hard it is to be a teacher here. There is so much expected of these teachers when this school is so short on resources. I have gained so much respect for these teachers after last week and am incredibly grateful for the experience to be put in their position for just a few days. But as I reflect on last week, I also think about how imperfect I was. Even though the learners improved with listening while we were there, there were so many times that I didn't love them well; so many moments when I didn't praise them for the things they were actually doing right. Yet, when interval time came (what is known as recess in the States), they would run up to me and smother me with hugs before going out to play. As I stood there with so many arms wrapped around my waist, I was dumbfounded. How could they still want to hug me even though I had just forgotten to compliment them for the good things they had done? I felt so undeserving of their love and affection. As I look back now though, I am reminded of how similar that is to my relationship with Christ. How many times a day do I forget to praise Him for the good things He has done for me? To praise Him for the incredible things He's blessed me with? A lot. Yet He still loves me. He still wraps His arms around me and His grace covers all of my imperfections. I feel so undeserving of His love, yet here I sit drowning in it. My heart swells with gratitude.
• Spent the weekend resting. Two things that South Africans are very good at: resting and enjoying life. Our host family takes every Sunday to rest...both physically and in the Lord. They see the value of being at 100% when the work week starts on Monday. Also, our host parents have told us time and time again, "You MUST enjoy yourself while you're here." At first, I thought it was just something that they said, but since meeting others in the community I've learned that it is a cultural thing. They are so good at enjoying life here. So, we've been trying to practice that. On Friday night, we went over to another host home and celebrated Sydney's 19th birthday (one of my team members). On Saturday, we began our day attending a march against drug and violence around the community with our host dad. Then, in the afternoon Kaitlynn and I took a run to the beach with the Indian Ocean that is about 15 minutes away. We sat up on a boulder as we watched the waves break just before they reached up. It was pretty incredible. Then, on Saturday night we fixed our host family an "American" meal. Since they have a lot of food that we have in the States (hamburgers, pizza, pasta, etc...) we fixed them tacos, guacamole dip, and ice cream sandwiches for dessert...all things they had never had before. On Sunday, we had a wonderful worship service in the morning, lunch with our K-State advisor who was visiting with her South African native husband, and then spent the rest of the day walking along the Atlantic Ocean coastline in Fish Hoek. At night, Chantel took us to watch the sunset overlooking the Atlantic Ocean, then drove us through the mountains, and 15 minutes later we watched the full moon rise over the lights of Simonstown, as well as the Atlantic Ocean. It was incredible...I've never seen anything like it. Even though I still struggle with really resting, I think this weekend definitely helped me grow some in this area!
• Helped with tutoring. We have continued to help with tutoring at the local library on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays. This week we were challenged with getting learners to attend even though they don't have school. So, our team has been creating worksheets for the children to work on during the hour that they are there. Even when school is in session, most of the children don't come with any books or worksheets to work on. During those times, we simply have to make up math problems for them to work on, hoping that what we're giving them is at their level and what they are learning in school. But over the course of the past week we've been able to create multiple sheets of various areas of math for the learners. It's also been difficult because even though we can have four fourth graders at tutoring, they may all be at different levels...some who still struggle with basic addition and others who are starting on long division. The prepared sheets have helped tutoring run more effectively and efficiently this week.
• Helped with Holiday Camp. For the next three weeks, five of our team members (including me) will be helping with the Holiday Camp for the children in the community. This is the three week break the students (or "learners" as they call them) have from school before their next term starts. The camp is from 10 a.m. - 2 p.m. Monday-Thursday. Our team has been paired up with the South African youth (the same youth that we had Youth Night with a couple Fridays ago) to lead the different age groups at the camp. I'm working with one of the South African youth to lead the group of about 15 11- and 12-year-olds. It's been challenging at times since most of them have Afrikans as their first language, but it's also been cool to see how a language and cultural barrier doesn't keep us from sharing joy and building relationships.
• Watched "Invictus". Every Tuesday night we have our weekly sessions with Chantel. She is more than the director of the organization we're working with to us...she has been a mentor, a cultural guide, and friend during our time here. We meet every week to share how our service sites are going and do some personal development with Chantel. This week though, she wanted us to watch "Invictus". This is a movie based on the true story of when the South African rugby team won the World Cup the year after Nelson Mandela became president. The movie shows how a sport brought a broken and divided nation together. It was really neat to watch after all that we've learned about apartheid since being here. Also, it was interesting to see with all of the health issues Nelson Mandela is facing right now. Sidenote: Even though we are in South Africa, we are hearing multiple different reports on his current condition (and ones that he's already passed away). We don't really watch the news and I've barely seen any newspapers in the community, so you all probably know more than I do about what's going on. But we DO know that President Obama is in the country and he will be visiting Masiphumalele (which we toured one of our first days here) on Sunday. He will be visiting the center where two of my team members work, and they said that the secret service have been there all week preparing for President Obama's arrival.

What I've learned:

• How resilient South African children are. Most of the children at the holiday camp have either been abused or have seen abuse, yet you would never guess it by looking at them. They have more joy and hope than I've ever seen. If they get knocked down during a game of musical chairs, they get back up and keep running. No complaints. No tears. They just keep running. I feel like that is a common theme for all people here. Even in the face of hardships and obstacles, they keep going. It's inspiring to see their will power and work ethic.
• How my love for Him stems out of His love for me. Last week I talked about how I'm learning how to serve out of an overflow of my love for Him. But after more reading and reflection, I discovered that I have been missing a big part of the whole picture: I wouldn't be able to love Him if He did not love me first. God is love (1John 4:16). Therefore, without God, I wouldn't be able to love Him. So, really, service to others is an overflow of the love that He has bestowed upon me.

 Teacher Kaitlyn and I with our energetic and adorable second graders on the last day of school for Term 2.

 And of course we had to do a silly picture...

 On Friday afternoon we made monster cookies with a few kids who were hanging around out host mom's Creche. Ashley, Ryan, and Erwin loved helping stir and enjoyed eating the cookie dough even more!

 This was Saturday morning when we participated in the march against drugs and violence with our host dad. We marched around the community and then ended in the community center where we watched a presentation from community leaders about stopping drugs and violence in Oceanview.

 I captured this photo when Kaitlyn and I were walking back from the market on Saturday morning to grab some bananas. I love the trees here...they are all so beautiful! The buildings in the background are called "flats", which are basically apartments. They are usually where the more impoverished members of the community live.

 Torie, one of our host sisters, with the dinner Kaitlyn and I made on Saturday night. She was a great help! And note to my mother (who doesn't think I can cook): My host mom said our meal was "perfect". : )

 Kaitlyn took her job of making the ice cream sandwiches very seriously.

 Beautiful Sunday afternoon walking along the coastline at Fish Hoek bay.

 Chantel, Kaitlyn B., Stephanie, Sydney, and me all hung out in Fish Hoek while the other four girls went to Simonstown on Sunday afternoon.

 The sunset over the Atlantic Ocean.

 And then 15 minutes later we saw this: the full moon come up over Simonstown. Simply incredible.

 Yesterday it was rainy and sunny all day, so we got to see lots of rainbows. This full one came out as Kaitlynn and I were walking home from tutoring yesterday. My host home is in the foreground.

Today at Holiday Camp our team led a worship time with the kids. Since it was such a beautiful day, we decided to do it outside! We taught them a few new worship songs and they showed us the ones they love as well! We have been asked on the other days to help with team building activities, as well as plan crafts for each day. It has been a good challenge for us to find entertaining and beneficial activities without using a lot of resources. Yesterday we made paper lanterns with five glue sticks for 70 kids. It was a bit chaotic at times, but it worked!