Healed Wounds

This blog post is a bit different. It's vulnerable and a bit uncomfortable to share. But I want you all to know the power that God has through our weaknesses and imperfections. It's been on my heart since Monday and I want to share this moment of grace and joy with you all.

These past few weeks we've been working at a holiday camp that is coordinated by Open Door, which is the safe house for children who have either been abused or seen abuse. Our team has been paired up with South African youth to lead the different age groups of the camp. Each morning before camp starts we have a leader meeting that is focused on personal growth. During these times, our team has heard the stories of these youth's past; stories of abuse, neglect, parents who have left them, death of family members, depression, and other unimaginable obstacles that they've had to overcome.


Additionally, we've had three new host brothers added to our host home recently. They are a part of the World Race, which is an organization that sends a squad of 60+ missionaries around the world to do ministry in 11 countries in 11 months. Their squad is split up into smaller teams, so we've gotten to know their team of eight better throughout the past couple of weeks. Many of them talk about how much of this year has been about learning about insecurities they still struggled with and had not let God heal yet.

This got me thinking. What insecurities have I not yet brought before God? What sin am I still entangled in that I have yet to be freed from? No, I don't have the past stories that the youth leaders have, but I'm still weak. I'm broken. And I have wounds that need to be healed.

One of these insecurities I have faced (no pun intended) for the past 10+ years has been my face. Although God has blessed me with a lot, He did not give me a clear face. It's been a constant battle throughout the awkward middle school years and during college to have a clear face. I've tried various creams, prescription medication, and specific face washes, but nothing has worked. It's left me extremely self-conscious and embarrassed around other people. Are they looking at my face? Do they think it's gross that my face is really broken out?

My anxiety and self-consciousness made me turn to make-up, in hopes that I could meet the world's standard of "beautiful" despite my imperfections. Yes, make-up helped cover it up and it gave me a temporary sense of confidence. It wasn't until this past week though that I realized how much I relied on make-up to make me feel good about myself; to seek people's approval of my appearance.

So I took all this to God on Sunday night. I was tired of searching for satisfaction and fulfillment in make-up, instead of finding my confidence in Him. In an attempt to surrender this to Him, to commit myself to feeling beautiful because of who He made me and not what I look like, I pledged to not wear make-up for the remaining two weeks I'm in South Africa.

I thought it was a really great idea until I woke up Monday morning and felt disgusting. I was physically tired from the weekend, the noise level in the house at 7 a.m. was really irritating me, I felt gross since it was the third day since I took a bath (don't worry, I bathed that night), and the last thing I wanted to do was not wear make-up that day. I was anxious about what people would say and didn't feel like I wanted to field all the stares all day. I was at the end of my rope.

I asked God that He would be my strength that day, even when I felt too empty and too weak to surrender that to Him. I prayed that His grace would be sufficient, that is power would be made perfect through my weaknesses (see 2Corinthians 12:9-10). Even though I prayed these things, I left for holiday camp that morning thinking it was going to be a disaster of a day. I couldn't comprehend how He would make joy out of my wounds (literally).

I talked through this a bit with Kait (my roommate) while we were walking to holiday camp and came to somewhat of a point of gratitude. I ask God for a lot, but there were two things in particular that I had prayed about for this summer on my plane ride over: that God would reveal my weaknesses to me and that He would call me to do radical things. You ask and you shall receive, huh?! So I walked through the gates of the Methodist Church where the camp is held at, just repeating to myself, "Your grace is sufficient. Your grace is sufficient."

I immediately saw some girls from my 11- and 12-year-old group and went up to them, attempting to love them well even when I didn't feel like it. I asked them how their weekend was and instead of answering me, they responded with, "What's wrong with your face? What are all of those red marks?" My heart sank. I tried to respond in a brave way that they were just wounds that needed healing, but they were still perplexed. I stood there trying to give myself a pep talk when one of the youth leaders ran up to me, pointed at my face, said "Zit", and ran away. Salt in the wound.

At this point, I was on the verge of tears. My biggest fear was coming true: that people would notice how gross my face looked and they would judge me because of it. I simply wanted to run behind the church building, cry, and throw myself a pity party. But God told me I needed to keep going. That running away would not solve anything and that He would be my strength. So I walked away from the children whose words were piercing my heart. Even though I was hurting, I wanted to choose joy. I wanted to choose love. And I wanted to choose Jesus. At that moment, I turned around to see Angela.

Angela and I have been co-leading the 11- and 12-year-old group these past couple of weeks. When we first met, we instantly connected on our love of books. I told her about the book, "Kisses from Katie", that I was currently reading. It's a true story about a young woman who has been called by God to move to Uganda, start her own non-profit organization, and adopt 13 orphaned children. Much of the text talks about how God will use ordinary people to do incredible things; that He will use us if we are willing. Angela was intrigued, so I gave it to her on Friday to read.

When I turned around and saw her, I was instantly comforted. She has a beautiful smile and is always a joy to talk to. I started asking her about her weekend and how she was liking the book. She said she was really enjoying the book, and then she spoke the words that were a gift from God: "I want to start a relationship with God again. I've tried before and failed. I want to start praying and going to church again." I asked her to repeat herself, because I didn't think that I had heard her right. But I did.

And in that moment, when I felt so low and empty, so embarrassed and disgusting, God used me. I opened my mouth to respond to Angela and out came the gospel, out came words of truth...that God will meet us right where we are, He wants us in our brokenness. That's why Christ died on the cross...so that we don't have to be in bondage to our wounds anymore. If we are willing to let Him, He will heal us (Isaiah 53:5). As I was speaking, my mind was saying, "Where are these words coming from? I feel so empty. I don't have anything to say." But I know that it was the Spirit speaking.

This moment was such a sweet, gentle reminder that I am broken and in need of a Savoir. Every. Single. Day. That I am not strong enough, but He is. That I am flawed, but He is perfect. That I am wounded, but He is a redeemer, a healer, and a restorer.

I know that God was saying, "Carolyn, I don't care what your face looks like. Stop making your appearance an idol. Stop making other people's approval of your appearance an idol. While other people are looking at your outward appearance, I want to know your heart (see 1Samuel 16:7). You no longer have to be defined by your appearance, because Christ has already suffered for you. Choose me and I will use you to bring others closer to me. Through you I will show people the joy and freedom they can have in me." How grateful I am for that truth.

I'm still not perfect and I've still continued to struggle throughout this week to feel confident without wearing make-up. But I know that God is bigger than this. And I know that He will use me if I'm willing to choose joy in the face of a trial; choose to love despite hurtful words; and choose Him even when I feel like I'm drowning in my wounds. Praise be to God!